Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
