wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Randomize
