I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Randomize
