I wanna bring you to show and tell
I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
