And people are going to start dressing like that in public, it's just ridiculous, the goths and now the GAGAs
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
Can I color on your dick again?
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
