You smell like a Billy Joel song
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize
