i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
