where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
i'm forgoing the post-coitus cuddling sesh to ask u this :when he says he loves me and all i can think to say is either "cool" or "i love boning you," what do i do?
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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