I'm jealous of your bromance
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
it glows. i had to have it.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
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