just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
