I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
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