we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
