So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
