I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
So... he formspringed me a link to every nude pic ive taken since he 8th grade. ive evolved nicely. but im nervous as to how this a website.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Randomize
