Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
