apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
But never have I ever had sex with a dirty talker before, so it was something else, to say the least. I signed up to get laid, not play Penthouse Mad Libs.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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