my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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