so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
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