I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
Randomize
