My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
