you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
Randomize
