One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
