you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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