I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Send help, water and tortillas.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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