I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Randomize
