I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
Randomize
