I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Randomize
