On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
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