hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Randomize
