He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
