This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
Randomize
