Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
