I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
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