LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
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