i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
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