your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
My friends, they love my intelligence
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
