I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
