she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Randomize
