I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
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