I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
