He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
Randomize
