Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
