You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
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