I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
