So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
this just has baby written all over it
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
