You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
