Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
