Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
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