Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Randomize
