At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
